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Wisconsin DATCP Bossman, Steve InghamJudge Patrick Fiedler’s decision on the Zinniker and Craig case, and his declaration that we have no right to own a cow or consume its milk, should make clear to Wisconsin farmers that there’s a new order, and a new bossman, out on the farm. So there’s a new etiquette required if you want to get along.

First thing, how to address Steve Ingham, the head of safety for the Wisconsin Department of Agriculture, Trade and Consumer Protection (DATCP), or any of his lieutenants. Now, if you listen to him speak, he seems like a regular food safety guy, a bacteria-phobe who says he genuinely worries a lot about raw milk safety. But this latest decision by the judge has to have even the most modest fellow feeling pretty big for his britches. So when he arrives at your farm, you want to be prepared for the new way of relating in Wisconsin, as in, “Howdy, Massuh Ingham. Nice day.”

Now, if he’s in a bad mood and says, “I decide if it’s a nice day or not,” your response is, “Yassuh Massuh Ingham, yassuh. Don’t know what I was thinkin’, makin’ those kinda judgments. Sometimes I just go blabbin’ about. Absolutely, suh.”

Then, there’s the matter of how he addresses you. When he calls you, “Boy,” you need to smile, and, once again, say, “Yassuh Massuh Ingham. Yassuh.

Chances are, he’ll want to look around your farm. Of course, your response is, “Mah fahm is yuh fahm, Massuh Ingham. And it would be my honor, suh, to shine your boots, and give them a kiss before you start the inspection.”

If he’s still in a bad mood, he might say, “What kind of dunce are you? I’ll tell you when to kiss my boots. Today I’d like you to kiss my boots at the end of the inspection, when they’re good and dirty.”

Of course, your response is, “Yassuh Massuh Ingham. My fault for being presumptuous.”

If he then says, “Since when are you using such big words, like ‘presumptuous,’ ” you say, “I think I heard it on the television, Massuh Ingham. But I don’t usually use such big words.”

You might try telling him how wonderful his new study of the Wisconsin dairy industry is, the one about how big CAFO dairies produce milk that’s less dirty than small CAFO dairies. “I didn’t fully appreciate, Massuh, how much those big guys cared about all the little people. And why people shouldn’t automatically assume small farms are best, and not do so much business with the giant corporations.”

But be ready for him to ask, “Since when are you reading academic studies?”

Your best response? “I always want to know what smart things Massuh is up to. Yassuh, I want to be like Massuh.”

Be ready, though, for him to push back, something like, “Getting a little uppity, it sounds like, with all that reading and analyzing.”

Your best response: “Oh no suh. No uppity for me. Just admirin’ Massuh.”

And by all means, avoid discussion of raw milk. If it comes up, and he says he’s heard you like raw milk or have been producing it, you just say: “Raw milk? I heard that’s bad stuff, Massuh Ingham. Bad stuff. Why, I heard it can make you real sick, or even sterile, Massuh Ingham.”

He’ll like that. Probably say you are smarter than he ever thought.

But if he doesn’t like the way you say it, watch out. He may chuckle, say something like: “Ya know, I don’t care for your tone. If you don’t straighten out, I may just bring you before Judge Fiedler. He’s the guy who said DATCP tells the farmers what to do. We even decide if it’s okay for one of your kids to have a pet goat or pig.  Last I heard, he’s thinking of bringing back debtor prison if you miss a payment on your farm loan. He also told me he thinks the old practice of public whuppins of slaves, er, farmers, with bad attitudes was a good thing. Now, he’s resigning soon, but his cronies all feel the same way. You wouldn’t want me to get a judge after you, would you, boy?”

Best to swallow any touch of pride you might have left, and say, “No suh. Absolutely not, suh. You da bossman, and you’s a good bossman. No need for any here-comes-da-judge routine. No suh.”

He’ll probably like that and smile, tell you, “Now that’s the kind of attitude we like to see from you farmers. Nice and cooperative. You keep behavin’ that way, and you know, we might just become more open minded about this raw milk thing I know you have your heart set on. You give us another, oh, ten, fifteen, maybe twenty five years, and we may just discuss your safety record and see what we can do. Maybe get you a special exemption to drink it on Sundays, just you and your family.”

And once again, you tell him how grateful you are for his generosity. “Thank you, suh, I always knew you were a kind and giving soul, a man of the people.”   

At this point, he may ask you if he can “borrow” you every once in a while, to come over to his farm, and milk the couple cows his wife keeps. Certainly you know the drill by now. It’s “Yassuh, that would also  be my honor, suh, to milk your wife’s cows on my one day off every month. My absolute honor.”

If you really want him to glow when he’s leaving, turn up the speakers on your computer and play Louis Armstrong singing,”What a Wonderful World”. He especially loves this part:

“I hear babies cry. I watch them grow.
They’ll learn much more…than I’ll ever know.
And I think to myself…what a wonderful world.”

And if you have any free time, work on your slave talk, so you’ve got it down just right.